How to support your partner in labor
If you are preparing for a new baby’s birth and are wondering how to support your partner in labor, this post will walk you through just that! You will go into labor having some good ideas on how to support the woman you love the most as she brings this precious new life into the world! How exciting.
Make sure to also read THIS POST on “How To Support Your Partner In Pregnancy” next!
The best ways to support your partner during labor
If you grew up on a farm or have ever witnessed a family pet having babies, you likely remember that Mama would sneak away to a dark, quiet place in the middle of the night to have her babies. She wouldn’t want any interruptions or distractions, and even the sweetest dog may become defensive if anyone tried to approach her in labor. Remember this as your partner is going into labor. If she doesn’t know it, she will have this same instinct to want to labor in a quiet, comfortable, and dark space, and she likely won’t like many people, if any, around.
Be prepared to read her body language. If she doesn’t seem to like what you are doing, it is likely that she doesn’t. Don’t ask her for feedback during her contractions. Wait until after and ask her “yes” or “no” questions. As the labor progresses, she will not have the energy to respond to you. All of her energy is focused on relaxing, getting through her contractions, and resting between them. Do not get offended if she brushes your hand away or isn’t attending to you. This is all about her; simply having you beside her may be all she wants and needs. It is ok to feel like you can’t help or contribute. Do not get frustrated or do anything to provoke frustration in her.
She needs to stay in the “instinctive” part of the brain, not the “thinking” part of her brain. When the “instinctive” or “primal” part of the brain is active, it will reduce her pain. Switching over to the “thinking” part of the brain will cause her contractions to be more painful and her body more tense. Making suggestions is easier than asking her to come up with some way for you to help her.
1. Learn and understand what happens during a Contraction:
When a contraction begins, it will slowly build in intensity until it peaks, and then it will slowly regress until it’s gone.
A contraction usually lasts for about five breath cycles. Remind her of this and count her breaths with her. Ask her afterward if this is helpful.
Be prepared not to talk to her or ask her questions during these contractions. If you do say something encouraging, use a soft low tone. After the contraction has ended, you can ask her if she would like you to encourage her or just remain quiet during the next contraction. Don’t expect her to talk at all during a contraction. Encourage her to focus on her breathing and relax as much as she can.
2. Advocate for that dark, quiet, peaceful birthing place
It is likely best for Mama to labor at home as long as she can in early labor. If her labor begins in the night, even better. She will be able to find a position to allow her body to fully relax, and she can focus on breathing through her contractions, allowing her cervix to dilate to 6 cm. Mama may or may not need you during this time. She may want you to help her relax by describing her “happy place” or talking her through full body relaxation, or maybe even provide some massage or counter-pressure techniques when those contractions come. She may also desire to labor alone in a quiet, dark space like that family pet you once had. Whatever she wishes, don’t get offended. Be okay with just giving her space, and be available for anything she may ask you for.
If labor does begin in the middle of the night, this also could be a time for you to get extra rest so that you will be well-rested for when morning comes and her labor becomes more intense. You won’t have the hormones working to keep you going like she will, so the extra rest would be good for you.
If you happen to be at work when labor begins, keep in mind that you may not need to rush home right away. Especially for first-time Mamas, this part of labor can be slower, and she may not need you there right away. Discuss this with her ahead of time and have a good plan of communication.
Early Labor Activities: Depending on the time of day
- Go for a walk together
- Rest together- Mama may sleep on and off between contractions if she can get into a comfortable position.
- Have intercourse- If water hasn’t broken, having intercourse could speed up labor.
- If Mama can orgasm, the oxytocin release can really help with labor
- Also, prostaglandins in semen help to soften the cervix
- Nipple stimulation can also help with oxytocin release
- Massaging her during this time could be helpful.
- Helping her relax by describing her “happy place” or providing light touch massage from the head down to help her achieve full-body relaxation
- Light back scratches are also nice for relaxation.
- Watching a favorite movie together while Mama bounces on a birthing ball can also distract labor discomfort.
- Make sure it’s not an intense movie but a happy, light-hearted one
- Remember, the goal is to relax
- Going out for a light meal together could be nice if she feels like her labor is light and she can move around and be chatty. It is likely that she wouldn’t want to do this, but you never know. Her labor could begin in the evening around dinner time and be very slow and inconsistent, so getting a favorite meal together could be nice.
- Make sure it is light and easily digestible.
3. Try and recreate that “deep sleeping” position
In her early labor, you can help to get her comfortable by adjusting pillows and blankets to provide a position where she can relax and rest as she breathes through her contractions. A good labor position is to be lying on the side in the “runner’s pose” position. This can also be done in a semi-reclined position, but it could be helpful for her belly to be pointed down to help Baby get in the optimal head-down, face-down position in the womb.
4. Be a leaning post in early labor
In early labor, sometimes referred to as the “putsy putsy stage,” she may be walking around like normal between her contractions, and then when a contraction comes, she may want to lean on you and fully relax her body to allow the contraction to pass. She may also want to use you as a support during the pushing phase if she finds that squatting on the floor is best. For this, you may sit behind her and help to support her during this phase, both during and in between contractions.
5. Allow her to guide the conversation
In early labor, she may be more chatty between contractions, but as her labor progresses and contractions become closer together, stronger, and longer, she may no longer carry on a conversation, and it is best not to strike one up with her at this point either. Let her guide the amount of talking she wishes to do. It may also be best not to have a lot of chatter going on around her. The environment should be quiet and peaceful.
6. be prepared to provide massage, help with relaxation, and counter-pressure techniques
You won’t really know what your partner needs until she is in labor and you attempt different ways of helping. She may want you to provide a counter-pressure technique during her contraction, a lower back massage between contractions, or talk her through some relaxation techniques. She also may not want any of that and only want you there as a support.
Counter-Pressure
These techniques can help to relieve pain with applied pressure in certain areas and ways.
7. Advocate for a quiet, peaceful, dark environment without interruptions
This is especially important if she is having the baby in a hospital setting. Upon arrival, discuss with the nursing staff that you would like the room to be as quiet and dark as possible. Ask them to avoid coming in and out of the room frequently and to carry on conversations outside of the room. Of course, if there is a concern for Mama or Baby, they should proceed with assessments they need to do, but if labor is going well, it’s best to have them check things less frequently. You can remind them that your partner doesn’t want frequent cervical checks and would only like one upon request. You can also ask for intermittent fetal monitoring so she can move around more freely, and asking for a waterproof monitor ahead of time can ensure that she can get in the shower for some of her labor.
The nursing staff I had in the hospital was so great. They really didn’t come in the room much and allowed my husband and I, with our doula, to labor quietly alone in a dimly lit room.
8. Walk into the hospital with confidence
Walking into the hospital with confidence in how your partner is doing and your plan and role in bringing this baby into the world will set the tone that you don’t need much intervention from the medical staff. Let them know that she’s doing great (if she truly is).
Make sure to bring your birth plan!
9. Reassure her as her labor progresses and her contractions get more intense
If your partner is having a natural, unmedicated birth, there will likely be a point when she is moving from 8 to 10 cm dilation where she asks for an epidural or starts to question if she should have one. Remind her that she is so strong and close to meeting the baby at this point. Remind her that each contraction moves the baby further down and that strong contractions are good. Also, remind her that she is progressing. She will need to know that her hard work is working toward the reward!
10. Remind her to relax
If you notice her tensing (clenching her jaw or fists), remind her with gentle words and light touches to fully relax her body.
Remind her that a contraction usually lasts for five breath cycles and for her to continue breathing through her contractions.
11. be ready to ask for help during the pushing phase
It may be hard for first-time mamas to fully know if it is time to push. The body is amazing, and there is a reflex that happens when the cervix is fully dilated, and it’s time for the baby to be pushed out; however, there can be a little difficulty fully knowing if the body has made it to this point, and having the provider come in to check and provide guidance during this time could be helpful. There are a few risks associated with pushing too soon. On the other hand, if this is not the first pregnancy, Mama likely knows the feeling and will know when she is ready to push.
12. Guide her breathing during the pushing phase
In this phase of labor, you can remind her of the breathing mechanics for pushing:
- Remind her when she feels a contraction coming on to breathe in deeply and to let the air out slowly, directing the breath down and out of the pelvic floor.
- This breath is like a “J” shaped breath.
- She can also make a low moaning sound or a low “ooooooh” or “aaaaaah” sound.
- It is best not to hold the breath during the pushing phase.
- Holding the breath: can lead to fatigue as your contractions become longer and closer together
- Breath-holding during this pushing phase can also cause:
- Fluctuations in Mama’s blood pressure
- Increased build of carbon dioxide and blood becoming more acidic
- Fetal distress
- Increased risk of perineal tearing
13. Help her Achieve Optimal Pushing Position:
- The squatting position is the best position for getting the baby out and can be created in a few different ways.
- She can use a squat bar.
- She can be in a reclined position on the bed and use her arms to bring her legs up and out
14. Be open and receptive
Try your best not to get offended. You may practice all of the techniques you learn in your pregnancy prep courses and be ready to jump right in and be helpful during labor, but she may not want any of it! This actually happened to my husband and I during my labor. We practiced everything, he was fully prepared, and he tried a counter-pressure technique during one of my first contractions, and I basically told him not to touch me! I just knew that I needed to get in a comfortable and quiet space and labor on my own in that early labor. I was thankful that he didn’t get offended and become uninvolved, as I needed him to be by my side in the later stages of labor.
15. ways to advocate:
- Ask the nursing staff to limit interruption and talking and to enter the room quietly only when necessary.
- Limit cervical checks. Only ask for a cervical check when you need to know if Mama is dilated to 6 cm (often this is upon admission to the hospital) and when you feel that she is starting to feel the urge to push.
- Checking here can encourage her that she is so close to having the baby
- Of course, if she asks for a cervical check, you can request this.
- She may need to know if she is progressing or not.
- Encourage her that it’s normal for labor to slow and stall and then progress suddenly and to not lose hope.
- Help her to change positions every 30 minutes
- Do not let her lay on her back for long periods or at all
- Better positions are:
- Hands and knees
- Reclined sitting
- Sidelying
- Sitting in the shower
- Standing at the side of the bed
- Eventually squatting
Summary of how to support your partner in labor
Your role as a supportive partner is so crucial and necessary for a magical birthing experience. Do your part in preparing, just as your partner is doing her part in preparing. You will love that you are ready to be an active participate when that due date arrives!
For early labor
- Do whatever you can to help her relax
- The more her body can relax, the better her labor will progress
- Keep her happy, relaxed, and peaceful
- Watch for signs of labor beginning earlier in the day
- Loss of mucous plug
- Intermittent Braxton-Hicks-like contractions
- If you see those early signs of labor beginning:
- 1. Go for a long walk or do some light exercise together
- Get outside and walk if you can
- Or go to the mall and do some window shopping
- Light exercise can get labor going
- Intercourse can also help to progress labor
- Prostaglandins in semen soften the cervix
- Orgasm for Mama also increases oxytocin production
- Nipple stimulation also increases oxytocin production
- 1. Go for a long walk or do some light exercise together
- Other fun things you can do together to keep this time interesting, light-hearted, and relaxed:
- Watch a fun movie together while Mama bounces on a birthing ball
- Go out for a light dinner
- Play a game together
- Do any activity that you love
- Maybe send her to get her nails done or to get a massage (if labor is slow and she is moving about and chatting a lot between contractions)
- As contractions begin to pick up in early labor, it’s likely best to be at home.
- When contractions start to become more intense and closer together, and she is less able to talk between contractions, she is likely moving toward active labor,r and this would be a good time to go to the hospital if you are planning a hospital birth.
- Get the hospital bag in the car if you are planning to go to the hospital or birthing center for delivery.
- Make sure the car seat is already installed.
- Get extra rest and allow her to rest between contractions if early labor is in the middle of the night.
- If you are at work, it’s ok to stay and finish a few things before rushing home, but be ready to head home if labor is picking up quickly.
How to help relieve pain
- Keep her relaxed and happy
- Use some humor as you can to keep her laughing and light-hearted
- Express affection and gratitude toward her
- Remind her of how strong and capable she is
- Always speak calmly and assuredly
- Women respond to compassion not “boot camp.”
- Don’t tell her to “suck it up.”
- Just encourage her and remind her that her Baby will come soon and she is working toward her goal.
Active Labor
- Mama may need you more in this stage of labor (and she may not)
- Do not get frustrated or cause her to get frustrated
- Do not get offended if she pushes your hand away or snaps at you in labor
- Become unoffendable and remember this is not about you at this point. It is only about her
- She will not have the energy to explain to you what she needs or why or why not she doesn’t need you.
- Try to read her body language
- Only ask her “yes” or “no” questions
- Do you want me to touch you?
- Do you want me to talk to you?
- Do you need a sip of water?
- Would you like a bite of a snack?
- Do you want chapstick?
- Do you want to move positions?
- FOCUS ON MAMA 100% of the time.
- This is not the time for any phone calls, working, or any other activity on your phone
- Allow for zero distractions during this time
- Limit conversation with any other person in the room
- Turn the TV off and put all of your focus on Mama
- The way to know if she is in active labor:
- She will no longer be talking to you during her contractions
- Contractions will be more frequent, more intense, and longer
- She may be moaning during her contractions
- Remind her not to scream but to create a low, deep “oooooooh” or “ahhhhhh” sound as she is experiencing the discomfort of contractions. This will direct the pressure down through the pelvic floor to push the baby down and eventually out!
- If the two of you are planning to deliver the baby in the hospital, this is when you would be getting her there.
- Don’t worry about this interrupting labor too much
- Her labor will slow down a bit since she will be moving around and getting in and out of the car and checked into the medical facility
- This slow down of labor will be what she needs to get to the hospital and settled in the birthing room
- Once she is settled, her labor will pick back up
- She may wish for you to try some of those counter-pressure techniques to help ease the discomfort of the contractions.
- She will need help moving to different laboring positions
- She should change positions at least every 30 minutes
- Grab this FREE labor positions PDF here
- Remind her to drink a bit of water throughout labor to prevent dehydration
- She also will need you to ensure that the room stays quiet, darkened, and uninterrupted until it’s time to push the baby
- Ask the nurses to leave you to labor alone until Mama’s body starts to push.
- Obviously, they will need to intermittently monitor the baby’s heartbeat and make sure the baby is not in distress, but if everything is going fine, advocate for that privacy.
- Ask the nurses to leave you to labor alone until Mama’s body starts to push.
- You may also remind her to use the bathroom every hour or so.. she may not realize that her bladder is full.
- This can help with the pain of labor if the uterus is pressing onto a full bladder.
- She may also have a bowel movement, which is really helpful for her during the pushing phase, as it lets her know that her bowels are empty and that she can push without fear.
Transition
This is the time when Mama will feel that she can’t keep going, and she may start to question or doubt why she didn’t get an epidural.
Keep in mind:
- This is the most intense and painful part of labor, but it is also typically very short
- This is the time to encourage her to keep going and that Baby will be here soon
- She needs you to be right there with her, attentive to her, and encouraging her
- Don’t leave her side at this point. She should not look up and find you gone
Encourage her and remind her:
- She is so close to meeting the baby.
- She is almost done.
- She is so close to the pushing phase at this point
- She can do it!
Pushing Phase
- She will have a reflex that causes her to push without her intending to.
- At this time, you can get the nurses to ensure she is at 10 cm, and it’s time to begin pushing the baby out
- During the pushing phase:
- She will need you to help her get into good pushing positions.
- Eventually, it will likely be best for her to achieve some sort of squatting position
- This can be done with the head of the bed fully up and her squatting on the bed
- A squat bar can be used
- Or she may want to squat on the floor with her arms supported on her legs
- Encourage her to breathe out with that low moaning sound and direct her pressure downward through the pelvic floor during her pushes
- Also, remind her to tuck her chin and relax her pelvic floor during her pushes
- Help her rest between contractions
Medical Disclaimer
This is not intended to replace medical advice. This blog post is for informational purposes only. Please consult with your medical provider about your care.